one hurdle crossed


photo from rachelhoward.com

Yesterday marked three months sans spirits. In a way I don't even walk to write about and make a big deal of it, but on the other hand I think writing is a way for me stay on track so there is no reason to not talk about it. I do miss drinking sometimes and I dream about it often. I will wake up thinking that I did drink and feel like I cheated myself.

Lindsay and I have really enjoyed watching the new A&E show "Intervention" and one thing that I have noticed that seems to separate me from a lot of the addicts that are profiled on that show is the fact that I had a good childhood. I never felt like I was getting drunk to run away from traumatic childhood experiences. The simple fact is and always will be that I love to drink and love it too much. After Andrea died I crossed a line with my drinking that I can really see in retrospect. The drinking became more frequent and earlier in the day and I know I was using it as an anesthetic during that depression. Drinking and depression are a dangerous cycle that feed on each another. The drinking makes already existing depression worse and the depression feels so bad that it always used to seem like few drinks would knock me out of the rut I was in. To actually be sober, to let the antidepressants do their job and to feel like I am really moving out of a big depression is a welcome change. It's nice to be having a good day, a good laugh and just think to myself, "Hey, this feels right, like the old me."

Comments

Junky Nurse said…
True, true, true.
I feel like shit and then i drink and feel worse but i find it soooo hard to quit drinking.
not fair.
1:48 PM
Brooks Brown said…
I hear ya,one of the hardest parts for me is being around people who can drink without it tearing their lives up. you never hear of the casual heroine user or the casual meth addict and to me alcohol is the same kind of drug. unfortunately it is marketed and promoted as something that everyone should enjoy and the fact that so many people drink decreases the stigma. in college me and my friends drank so much that is was the people that didn't drink that stood out as the abnormalities. i know that is true for a lot of people in the college experience. that is definitely where the party ball got rolling hard for me.
2:36 PM
efpalinos said…
So many problems are a stigma making it so much harder to even acknowledge; it takes lot of courage to even talk about them. I think as we grow older we slowly discover that life is a constant struggle on many levels, often unseen and unpredictable. Life does not even get close to the utopias we dreamed of in our early, formative years; because they were so "formative" is what makes them so painfully relevant today..
2:18 PM
Brooks Brown said…
excellently stated. i think just being honest about problems is the first part of dealing with them.it was watching a grandparent sink into alcoholism while no one would dare call him out on it that has prompted me and my family to take another look at the drug and what it can do to us. thanks for your post.
2:56 PM
Anonymous said…
I'm outside on the patio. Since I picked anonymous, does that mean no one can see this? I hope so, but don't give a fuck if i'm wrong.

haven't seen the show intervention, but dlb has, and she said that i need an intervention for shopping. (like she doesn't.) i know it is a problem but i'm not sure there's really any way anyone can stop me??? for several years i have thought about talking to dr. bartling at mercer about it because he is the addiction guru, but i felt like i would either be laughed at, or he would feel like i was making fun of "real" addiction, or that he would take it seriously and make me go into rehab, which would postpone my graduation.

I realize that drinking and shopping are not equivalent problems. it is just something i don't feel like i can control. when i see something i want at a store, i just can't walk away. you can't drink just one beer and i can't buy just one pair of earrings.
9:00 PM
Anonymous said…
Hey sluttt,

i don't know what to say about drinking. i'm sorry it has gotten to be such a problem, and i'm sorrier that i wasn't aware of that. you r my best friend.

love h
9:07 PM
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